4 Weeks

 It's been 4 weeks since we had to say goodbye to you.  We weren't ready, it came out of nowhere,  it was such a shock.

  My thoughts seem to scramble and ramble a lot lately.  People say it will get better.  I'm sure it will,  with time. At least I hope it does.  I know grief never goes away.  But it does change.  I would like to take a whole breath, I would like to go through one whole day without crying.  It hasn't happened yet.  I'm sure it will at some point.  Things that will never go away in my mind.  My mom laying across my dad saying "it was suppose to be me".  My brother telling  him that he was a good dad as his tears washed down over our dad's still face. All of us at one point or another asking him to please don't go, then later saying it's ok to go.   All but one of his grandson's taking turns carrying their grandpa.  It was such a beautiful day.  So many people came, even on short notice.  I was trying to write something for the pastor to read. The words were so inadequate, there isn't enough words to say what's in my heart.  I keep thinking of the funny stories you told, the dad joke's you'd call to tell me.  The twinkle in your eyes just before you started to laugh.  When I came home it was because I needed a minute of "normal".  Then I got so angry at everyone for just going on with their lives.  How could they not know?  My/Our lives have forever changed!  How dare everyone just keep on doing what they've always done.   Isn't it weird how life just keeps marching on, even though we are forever changed.  

Things you taught us,

Love the Lord with all your heart! Love your family first. If the job is worth doing, do it right.  Be on time.  If you say you will, Do!  Be honest.  Have integrity.  A good work ethic is so important.  Laugh as often as possible.  Don't squat with your spurs on.  

Oh the list goes on and on.  Same as with the punny dad jokes.  He really made everyone laugh.  His stories were really the best.  The best ones were the true ones.  He lived a great life.  Not always easy, but a great life.  He had a great sense of humor.  I already miss your voice. Your laugh.   The hugs as we said good bye, see you soon.  I could write pages of the things I remember and don't want to forget.  Most of those are for me.  I'll keep them in my heart.  I love you dad. 

Remember NO one is promised tomorrow.  That morning no one knew our lives would forever be changed, that we would have a hole in our hearts that no one can ever fill.  

Peace