In which I stumble along..

 I went and spent 4 days with my mom.  Going through things and making her life a little more manageable.  There is still so much paper work and other things  needing  to be done.  I think we are starting to make headway with that.   A couple of big things to do then I think she'll be set for a bit.  On the way home Monkey and I were  singing together. We do this a lot!  He picked a few songs I'd pick a few songs and we just sang our hearts out.  He loves acapella groups and listens to them often. He actually has really good taste in music.  It was very hard leaving my mom.  There really is things to do to lighten her load, and my brothers who both live in the area. If I feel a tad overwhelmed I can only imagine what they feel.  All that to say I had a very verklempt drive home.  I asked Monkey to find a specific song.  He did and I listened to it a few times.  It was a song I have sung in the past.  I just needed to hear it.  

God loves you - Chonda Pierce

Hope, like a flower, will push through the smallest crack in your broken heart
And out of the deep darkest night will shine the brightest burning star
Oh it's there, like a half remembered song
The thing that you've forgotten
But have known all along

God loves you
And He wants you to know
He is with you
You are not alone
He will see you through
God loves you

Tears are just water and salt, but a thimble full can feel oceans wide
But trust that just one gentle breeze can sail you to the other side
Oh it's there, like a whisper on the breeze
The truth that's so familiar
But still hard to believe

God loves you
And He wants you to know
He is with you
You are not alone
He will see you through
God loves you

You don't have to be anywhere near perfect
You don't ever have to prove a thing
You are loved, you are loved
So far beyond your imagining

God loves you
And He wants you to know
He is with you
You are not alone
He will see you through
God loves you

I had a good cry and asked Monkey to find Carrie Underwood's How Great thou art...  after that good cry I was good for the day.   I do not know how people get through this sort of pain without a faith in God.  I think I'd already be out of my mind.   I have to trust that someone bigger then I is in control and has a plan for our lives.   

When peace like a river....  goes through my mind ever time I pass this spot.  It's always beautiful!  On we go.  One step one breath one moment at a time.  Some days are easier then others.  Thanks for bearing with me as I ramble and stumble along.  One thing though, I do know half a milkshake in the middle of your lap feels like.  You can laugh if you'd like.  We did.  After we found a spot to pull over and got some water and a roll of paper towels.  Ice cream melting through your dress down your thighs is a very odd sensation.  

Take care of each other.  Peace

4 Weeks

 It's been 4 weeks since we had to say goodbye to you.  We weren't ready, it came out of nowhere,  it was such a shock.

  My thoughts seem to scramble and ramble a lot lately.  People say it will get better.  I'm sure it will,  with time. At least I hope it does.  I know grief never goes away.  But it does change.  I would like to take a whole breath, I would like to go through one whole day without crying.  It hasn't happened yet.  I'm sure it will at some point.  Things that will never go away in my mind.  My mom laying across my dad saying "it was suppose to be me".  My brother telling  him that he was a good dad as his tears washed down over our dad's still face. All of us at one point or another asking him to please don't go, then later saying it's ok to go.   All but one of his grandson's taking turns carrying their grandpa.  It was such a beautiful day.  So many people came, even on short notice.  I was trying to write something for the pastor to read. The words were so inadequate, there isn't enough words to say what's in my heart.  I keep thinking of the funny stories you told, the dad joke's you'd call to tell me.  The twinkle in your eyes just before you started to laugh.  When I came home it was because I needed a minute of "normal".  Then I got so angry at everyone for just going on with their lives.  How could they not know?  My/Our lives have forever changed!  How dare everyone just keep on doing what they've always done.   Isn't it weird how life just keeps marching on, even though we are forever changed.  

Things you taught us,

Love the Lord with all your heart! Love your family first. If the job is worth doing, do it right.  Be on time.  If you say you will, Do!  Be honest.  Have integrity.  A good work ethic is so important.  Laugh as often as possible.  Don't squat with your spurs on.  

Oh the list goes on and on.  Same as with the punny dad jokes.  He really made everyone laugh.  His stories were really the best.  The best ones were the true ones.  He lived a great life.  Not always easy, but a great life.  He had a great sense of humor.  I already miss your voice. Your laugh.   The hugs as we said good bye, see you soon.  I could write pages of the things I remember and don't want to forget.  Most of those are for me.  I'll keep them in my heart.  I love you dad. 

Remember NO one is promised tomorrow.  That morning no one knew our lives would forever be changed, that we would have a hole in our hearts that no one can ever fill.  

Peace

This is me

 Kindness goes a LONG ways.  It doesn't even have to be much.  A genuine Thank you, a have a good day!  I hope your weekend goes well.  Those kinds of word/things.  However they must be said with sincerity.  I have found that the more you put that into practice the easier it becomes. Sometimes it's just a real smile.  Because of masks I always hope they see it in my eyes.  It becomes an honest caring about other people, even strangers.    I'm not as outgoing, able to talk to strangers as some people I know.  But I can say a kind word and a smile.  It also has a way of coming back to you, especially when you need it.  

It reminds me of the saying, which has really stuck with me..

"People may not remember exactly what you said or did, but they will always remember how you made them feel".   

That one sticks in my heart, a lot!  I know I haven't always responded with quiet calm words when I've been hurt.  I know I have hurt other's with my words.  For that I am truly sorry.  The heat of the moment isn't always pretty.  Hopefully those moments go to the back of their memories.  I know I've tried to leave the door open.  Grace applies to all.  Sometimes that is a hard one to remember.  

A bit of a ramble but the thoughts keep running through my mind.  

Be kind to one another.  Be safe.   Peace. 

One of Heirs great memories.

 I've been thinking a LOT lately.  Some times it's really hard to shut my brain off.  I was thinking of good things to get my mind off a stresses.  I had to call Heir and see if he remembered it the way I did.  

It was Drummer and DIL's wedding.  It was such a wonderful beautiful day.  At the reception  DIL's uncle was the DJ.  The bride and groom had their dance and then the parents and their kid.  It was beautiful.  There are no pictures of this.  Then some of the brothers and friends and bridal party were sort of dancing around.  My dad came up and bumped Heir into his shoulder with his shoulder.  He said "Let me show you how it's done!"  Then he grabbed my mom's hand and DANCED her around the floor.  It was so funny and so sweet!  Boy can my parents dance!  I wish there was pictures of it and I wish I remembered the song.  The young people were so cute in their awe of the old couple dancing.  And they weren't that old!  

Heir said it's one of his great memories of his grandpa!  He still has that same sense of humor.  He calls me every week or so to tell me a funny joke he's heard or a limerick.  I love that he calls me just because. They are vacationing this week.   I think they are having a very good time.  

Remember lets be led by the Spirit of love in all we do.  

Peace

Normal is just a setting on your dryer

 In these very troubling times it is sometimes so hard to remember who you are, and WHOSE you are.  As I was driving home today I heard a song.  I've heard it before but was alone today so really listened to the words.  I came home and looked it up.  It is Who I am by Jessica Andrews.   I changed a few things to make it fit me, but this is it.

Who I am..

If I live to be a hundred and never see the seven wonders, that will be alright. If I don't make it to the big leagues if I never win a Grammy, I'm gonna be just fine 'Cause I know exactly who I am. 

I am Elsa's granddaughter, The splitting image of my mother, And when the day is done My daddy's still my biggest fan.  Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy But I've got friends who love me and they know just where I stand, It's all a part of me.  And that's who I am.

So when I make big mistakes, when I fall flat on my face. I know I'll be alright. Should my tender heart be broken, I will cry those teardrops of knowin' I will be just fine.  Cause nothin' changes who I am

I am Elsa's granddaughter. The splitting imagine of my mother, and when the day is done My daddy's still my biggest fan. Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy But I've got friends who love and they know just where I stand. It's all a part of me. And that's who I am.

I just love that song.  When nothing else seems to be going right, when your mind can't shut off or tune out the trouble's in your family, Remember who you are.  Know your worth!  God loves you and gave his life for you because he loves you so very much.  I hope you have the loveliest of day.  It never hurts to be kind.  Peace

Remembering or Grief, you decide.

 In 2003 my brother died.  It was absolutely a shock.  He was 43 years old.  He had a hard life.  For every decision you have consequences.  The last 3 years of his life were some of the best since he was probably 14 years old.  He has 2 children who miss him so much.  He would be so proud of them. They were his greatest joy.  My parents have buried 2 children.  I think that is a lot to ask of a parent.  As siblings we miss them and the opportunities to be a family of 6 kids.  But on life goes.  We had his funeral.  Plans were made.  The viewing was hard.  My niece leaned in and seemed to memorizing his face.  They understood.  Grief is hard and a funny thing.  It always hurts but changes.  Life has a way of moving on regardless of how you feel.  

My Uncle wanted everyone to think he was tough and hard.  However he was one of the sweetest men I knew.  My dad says he learned to whisper in a saw mill.  My dad and him couldn't be more different.  He was trying to be supportive at the funeral.  He, like everyone else in the same situation really doesn't know what to say.  Trust me, I'm sorry this has happened, is a whole sentence and  honestly it's enough.  So my Uncle Lynn sat beside me at the funeral. I had a box of Kleenex at my feet.  He was very kind and brave, until.... this song came on...

https://youtu.be/HUj_BMYt5ak

Then he said Oh Shit and reached down and grabbed the box of Kleenex and put it on his lap.  Through my tears I chuckled.  To me that is the sweetest memory of the day.  So many people I hadn't seen since I grew up came to support our family.  It meant to world to all of us.  Trust me when I tell you don't let a day go by without telling someone you love them.  No one is promised a tomorrow.  NO ONE!

Then 2 days after his funeral my grandma died.  It wasn't unexpected but didn't hurt any less.  She was the last of that whole generation for me.  She had a wicked sense of humor.  I loved her so very much.  She is still missed every day.  Her funeral was such a mess.  People wouldn't work with us to make it the way we wanted.  So we had a graveside service with only close family.  Because of the mess with the pastor of her church.  (she had dementia so she hadn't been in a long while and this pastor didn't know her) we didn't have solid plans.  My cousin's and I started Amazing grace and everyone joined in.  It was beautiful and my grandma would have loved it.  Then my Uncle asked my dad to do the speaking.  He mentioned that the week before my dad had buried his son.  It took my dad a minute to get it back together.  He still remembers that to this day.  The funny memory from that day was at the time I always had sour lemon altoids on me. ALWAYS.  My oldest brother who smokes was sitting in front of my family.  I'm sure he really just wanted to smoke.  So when he heard my crinkling of paper without looking back he put his hand up.  I put two very sour lemon altoids in his hand.  He just popped them in his mouth.  He visibly shuddered!  I started to giggle.  He turned just enough to side eye me.  It was all I could do to not really laugh out loud.   

You know some times you have had all the sadness you can handle and just have to find joy where you can.  The  only thing to really do is just put one foot in front of the other.  I hope you remember to tell your family you love them.  They matter.  Even the ones you are not the closest to.  

I hope everyone in your world continues to be safe.  Peace. 

Growing Pains

 Do you remember when you were growing up and your legs would ache?  I do!  I remember laying in bed crying because my legs and knees hurt so badly.  I remember my dad rubbing my legs with his rough, working dad hands trying to make them feel better so I could sleep.  I don't remember growing fast or anything, just growing.  A few of our boys have done the same thing.  Just growing so that they ached.  As a mom my heart just broke for them.  It was so hard not having anything I could do more then children's Tylenol. I just wanted to make it stop for them. 

This past year has made me think of that a lot.  What a mess.   It feels a lot like growing pains.  People I thought were a part of my life forever have moved on.  I've had it happen before and I'm sure it will happen again.  But I don't like it.  It never doesn't hurt.   It makes a lot of old insecurities I have resurface. I had to leave it at "I am here if you decide something different".  But I hate it.  I'm leaning on my Savior and family and trying to just keep going.  One foot in front of the other.  The move to a small condo I thought was just for a small while has turned into a look that seems to be forever.  I keep telling myself that gratitude matters.  And I really am grateful. A life altering event/diagnoses for me. I'll be fine but it is a huge shock and does change some things.  But....     Then we get to Covid that has brought us all to a screeching halt. For the better part of a year only 2 of the 8 of us adults have worked.  Bugs has recently gone back.  But it's far from full time.  Everyone's plan's and goals are seemingly on hold.  It feels very strange.  The daily "faith over fear" mantra I do is even getting old to me.  I do worry about my parents and my Aunt.  They are all that's left of THAT generation.  I want us all do our part to keep them safe. I want to see them and hang out without fear!   However I really do want my guys to be able to go back to work.  We really do want our lives back.  Monkey is a Junior and REALLY wants to go to school.  He misses his friends. It's really not the same doing choir and chemistry on line.   His grades are not the same.  Not really confident of the whole online school thing.   I am sure we will get through this also, but again, we'd like some normalcy back.  

Yesterday we started having family dinners again.  Before we moved we used to have them every Sunday.  Only football games stopped one of the guys from being there.  He works for the stadium doing sound and before that was a season's ticket holder.  I have missed my family so very much this past year.  As much as possible we have complied with what was asked of us.   Soooo my very precious daughter in law expressed to me how much she was missing "us" also.  So we are going to start with once a month.  Yesterday was the first.  It was so lovely!  OH how lovely.   We laughed so much.  We really do enjoy each other.  As a mom one of the things we all want is our children to really love and care for each other.  Right?  Heir Apparent came to dinner after going to a funeral.  It was for a former co-worker and friend.  We had met her, she was so very kind and sweet.  She was 28 years old and died from cancer.  Leaving an 8 year old special needs son.  A horrible sad situation.  Watching Heir make eye contact with each and every one of his brothers and tell them that he loves them was almost more then I could take.   My children really do love each other.  We have been through a lot this past year, it's not over yet.  But in the end all we have is family.  And I love mine to the moon and back!  

I hope everyone in your world is safe.   Peace