Remembering or Grief, you decide.

 In 2003 my brother died.  It was absolutely a shock.  He was 43 years old.  He had a hard life.  For every decision you have consequences.  The last 3 years of his life were some of the best since he was probably 14 years old.  He has 2 children who miss him so much.  He would be so proud of them. They were his greatest joy.  My parents have buried 2 children.  I think that is a lot to ask of a parent.  As siblings we miss them and the opportunities to be a family of 6 kids.  But on life goes.  We had his funeral.  Plans were made.  The viewing was hard.  My niece leaned in and seemed to memorizing his face.  They understood.  Grief is hard and a funny thing.  It always hurts but changes.  Life has a way of moving on regardless of how you feel.  

My Uncle wanted everyone to think he was tough and hard.  However he was one of the sweetest men I knew.  My dad says he learned to whisper in a saw mill.  My dad and him couldn't be more different.  He was trying to be supportive at the funeral.  He, like everyone else in the same situation really doesn't know what to say.  Trust me, I'm sorry this has happened, is a whole sentence and  honestly it's enough.  So my Uncle Lynn sat beside me at the funeral. I had a box of Kleenex at my feet.  He was very kind and brave, until.... this song came on...

https://youtu.be/HUj_BMYt5ak

Then he said Oh Shit and reached down and grabbed the box of Kleenex and put it on his lap.  Through my tears I chuckled.  To me that is the sweetest memory of the day.  So many people I hadn't seen since I grew up came to support our family.  It meant to world to all of us.  Trust me when I tell you don't let a day go by without telling someone you love them.  No one is promised a tomorrow.  NO ONE!

Then 2 days after his funeral my grandma died.  It wasn't unexpected but didn't hurt any less.  She was the last of that whole generation for me.  She had a wicked sense of humor.  I loved her so very much.  She is still missed every day.  Her funeral was such a mess.  People wouldn't work with us to make it the way we wanted.  So we had a graveside service with only close family.  Because of the mess with the pastor of her church.  (she had dementia so she hadn't been in a long while and this pastor didn't know her) we didn't have solid plans.  My cousin's and I started Amazing grace and everyone joined in.  It was beautiful and my grandma would have loved it.  Then my Uncle asked my dad to do the speaking.  He mentioned that the week before my dad had buried his son.  It took my dad a minute to get it back together.  He still remembers that to this day.  The funny memory from that day was at the time I always had sour lemon altoids on me. ALWAYS.  My oldest brother who smokes was sitting in front of my family.  I'm sure he really just wanted to smoke.  So when he heard my crinkling of paper without looking back he put his hand up.  I put two very sour lemon altoids in his hand.  He just popped them in his mouth.  He visibly shuddered!  I started to giggle.  He turned just enough to side eye me.  It was all I could do to not really laugh out loud.   

You know some times you have had all the sadness you can handle and just have to find joy where you can.  The  only thing to really do is just put one foot in front of the other.  I hope you remember to tell your family you love them.  They matter.  Even the ones you are not the closest to.  

I hope everyone in your world continues to be safe.  Peace. 

Growing Pains

 Do you remember when you were growing up and your legs would ache?  I do!  I remember laying in bed crying because my legs and knees hurt so badly.  I remember my dad rubbing my legs with his rough, working dad hands trying to make them feel better so I could sleep.  I don't remember growing fast or anything, just growing.  A few of our boys have done the same thing.  Just growing so that they ached.  As a mom my heart just broke for them.  It was so hard not having anything I could do more then children's Tylenol. I just wanted to make it stop for them. 

This past year has made me think of that a lot.  What a mess.   It feels a lot like growing pains.  People I thought were a part of my life forever have moved on.  I've had it happen before and I'm sure it will happen again.  But I don't like it.  It never doesn't hurt.   It makes a lot of old insecurities I have resurface. I had to leave it at "I am here if you decide something different".  But I hate it.  I'm leaning on my Savior and family and trying to just keep going.  One foot in front of the other.  The move to a small condo I thought was just for a small while has turned into a look that seems to be forever.  I keep telling myself that gratitude matters.  And I really am grateful. A life altering event/diagnoses for me. I'll be fine but it is a huge shock and does change some things.  But....     Then we get to Covid that has brought us all to a screeching halt. For the better part of a year only 2 of the 8 of us adults have worked.  Bugs has recently gone back.  But it's far from full time.  Everyone's plan's and goals are seemingly on hold.  It feels very strange.  The daily "faith over fear" mantra I do is even getting old to me.  I do worry about my parents and my Aunt.  They are all that's left of THAT generation.  I want us all do our part to keep them safe. I want to see them and hang out without fear!   However I really do want my guys to be able to go back to work.  We really do want our lives back.  Monkey is a Junior and REALLY wants to go to school.  He misses his friends. It's really not the same doing choir and chemistry on line.   His grades are not the same.  Not really confident of the whole online school thing.   I am sure we will get through this also, but again, we'd like some normalcy back.  

Yesterday we started having family dinners again.  Before we moved we used to have them every Sunday.  Only football games stopped one of the guys from being there.  He works for the stadium doing sound and before that was a season's ticket holder.  I have missed my family so very much this past year.  As much as possible we have complied with what was asked of us.   Soooo my very precious daughter in law expressed to me how much she was missing "us" also.  So we are going to start with once a month.  Yesterday was the first.  It was so lovely!  OH how lovely.   We laughed so much.  We really do enjoy each other.  As a mom one of the things we all want is our children to really love and care for each other.  Right?  Heir Apparent came to dinner after going to a funeral.  It was for a former co-worker and friend.  We had met her, she was so very kind and sweet.  She was 28 years old and died from cancer.  Leaving an 8 year old special needs son.  A horrible sad situation.  Watching Heir make eye contact with each and every one of his brothers and tell them that he loves them was almost more then I could take.   My children really do love each other.  We have been through a lot this past year, it's not over yet.  But in the end all we have is family.  And I love mine to the moon and back!  

I hope everyone in your world is safe.   Peace

Who you say I am

 Today I had finished listening to all my pod casts for the week.  I was looking for something to listen to.  I just put it on worship music.  A song came on I hadn't heard before.  OR don't remember if I had.  It caught my attention so much I had to stop what I was doing and find out the song. The VERY first line caught my attention.  I almost started to cry when I looked it up and read the words! Have you ever had that happen?  I hope that you know who God says you are.   This is is it...

Who You Say I Am

Words and Music by Ben Fielding & Reuben Morgan

VERSE 1

Who am I that the highest King

Would welcome me

I was lost but He brought me in

Oh His love for me

Oh His love for me

CHORUS

Who the Son sets free

Oh is free indeed

I’m a child of God

Yes I am

VERSE 2

Free at last

He has ransomed me

His grace runs deep

While I was a slave to sin

Jesus died for me

Yes He died for me

CHORUS 2

Who the Son sets free

Oh is free indeed

I’m a child of God

Yes I am

In my Father’s house

There’s a place for me

I’m a child of God

Yes I am

BRIDGE

I am chosen

Not forsaken

I am who You say I am

You are for me

Not against me

I am who You say I am

The one where my nightmares come true

When my kids were little I worried, to the point it was almost a nightmare about when the kids were gone and it was just us.  I was so busy being a wife and a mom and working that the thought of being with just Dh was almost overwhelming.  What would we do with our time??  I hope that makes sense to someone besides myself.  Today I was talking to a friend and the subject of house sitting came up.  I said sure!  I'd come for the peace and quiet.  Then I said OH! DH and I could come and stay. Especially since no one is taking vacations this year.  Bugs is an adult but still lives at home.  Monkey is more then capable of being here by himself and with his big brother.  I was so tickled at the thought.  I remember being so scared/worried about who I would be when I wasn't busy being a mom.  I am finding myself.  I like who I am.  I am doing things I love doing.  Most of our boys are adults.  I LOVE who they are and are becoming.  I think I'm a bit shocked at how good this all feels.  Life really does march on doesn't it. 

                              Please be kind and considerate of each other and those around you. 

                                                                               Peace

What does it mean if you loose your compass?

What does it mean if you loose the compass?

I have worn 4 bracelets on my wrist for years.  1 is a word to remind me.  1 is mountains, I faced my fears there.  1 is just pretty to me.  The last one was a compass.  A compass to help me know my way.  I have no clue as to when or where I lost it.  That can't be good, can it?  

In my family we call it the Myer's gene.  If something can go wrong it will.  We don't fall down the stairs, we fall UP them.  One of my boys had Bells Palsy at 12.  Weird.  Chicken pox on his eye ball, yup - Myers gene.  Oh the list is huge!  But I digress. 

I can order another compass.  I was just sad to realize I had no clue when/where I lost it.  I'm not sure why it has hurt me so strongly that I lost it.  

I hope everyone is doing ok in this trying time.  We are healthy and starting to move around just a bit.  I'm not sure how "normal" the future looks in your area.  Not sure how it looks in ours either.  Everyone is ready to get back to work.   Stay safe, Be smart and considerate of others. 

Peace

In the blink of an eye

This picture came up in my memories the other day.  It was an AMAZING dream come true.  I had wanted to take a helicopter ride for so long!  Hawaii is as beautiful from the air as it is on the ground.  It was just awesome.  Samantha may say other wise but she was a good sport about it.  LOL  When we got back to the helipad, we were waiting for the video and picture to load for our purchase.  My phone rang.   I stepped outside to take the call.  My life is forever changed.  My dad said I have cancer.  I think my lungs and heart burst from my chest.  I know I couldn't breathe.  I couldn't feel my hands.  It was so awful.  I felt so bad for my dad having to make that call.  He told me that I had to stay in Hawaii to finish the job I was there to do.  That was so hard to hear.  The need to run home was so great.   Consultations were planned and a plan was being put into place.  We talked a while more then hung up.    I caught my breath and went back into the office.  Those 3 expectant faces staring at me set me off again.  I went back outside.   When I pulled it together I went in and explained.  Tim loves my dad so much.  Carmen comforted me the best he was able.  We went on to try and have a good afternoon.  There was nothing I could do from there.

Very early the next morning my phone rang.  My mom had had a stroke in the night.  My dad blamed himself.(as if) because of the cancer diagnoses.  She was alright but she was in a fight to get her life back.  Daddy told me I had to stay in Hawaii to do the job I was there for.  Calls were made and plans put in place for our younger boys. They were with my parents for Spring break while we were gone.  Thank God for my family who was so very helpful. 

The wedding was so beautiful.  I was honored to be asked to document it.  But it was time to go home.  

The boys were here when we got here.  It was good to be together.   The next day or so Tim called and asked if I was going to see my parents.  I said yes.  He said I'll pick you up early.  And he did. 

We drove the 6 - maybe 5 that day, hours.  We walked into my mom's room.  We both cried.  She was working so hard to get herself all back!

The next few months were so hard!  My dad had several surgeries and had to start Chemo.  My mom had to stay and work her little hiney off to get her leg and arm doing what they were suppose to.  She finally did all she could in the rehab place and got to go home!  We did find out the chemo made the cancer very angry.  It made things so much worse for my dad.

New plan!  He start immune therapy.  It has been a game changer!  My dad is doing wonderful now.  His cancer is in remission!  Thank you Jesus!  My mom has most of her leg and arm back.  Her leg will never be the same.  BUT they are here and doing so good!  My mom actually has been on her horse once.  Probably not anymore but she's almost 82.  She has nothing to prove to anyone.  If she could get up, she'd be fine.  Maybe a high platform.  Since then my dad had fallen and broke his hip.  Almost a year later, a few weeks ago he got on his horse - NO pain!

Just look at that guy!

God is so good.  He doesn't promise no hard times.  Just that he will always be with us.  And Boy howdy has he been.  When it seemed the worse, he has brought us through.  

What made me think of all this...

Is in this very strange time we are in, The only sure thing we know is that God is here.  It's sometimes hard to remember to be grateful.  I was counting my blessings and these memories came up. 

  None of this is a surprise to God.  I'm so not sure of the lesson we are suppose to learn but I do know Who holds my future.  I have no choice but to trust God.  And so I do/will.  

I hope this finds you and your friends and family safe and well.  

Peace

 

Seoul Korea

Heir had talked to us about a Transfer tour while we were in Korea.  On the way to Vietnam we were newbie's and to chicken to do it. Also we were there in the late evening.   Oh side bar.... Seoul Korea has the coolest airport ever!  Besides the normal restaurants and such they have a rest area.  You can sleep on beds, they have showers all free with your plane ticket.  We rested and just hung out on the way to Vietnam as our plane was delayed and we had time to kill.  On the way home we were there in the day time and had lots of time so we were doing a "transfer tour".  It also meant we got another stamp in our passports!   We signed up and got on the bus at the appointed time and off we went with people from all over the world.  The guide was very informative and entertaining.  The only hiccup was there was a protest about to take place. Our guide informed us that she had never lost anyone on a tour and she wasn't going to start today.  So if she said go to the bus, GET to the bus!  LOL  Alrighty then. We had no intentions of getting to far from her.
Seoul reminded me a lot of Seattle in look and feel.  The rooflines were different but it was similar.  It looked and felt familiar in a way.  We went to a huge temple first. I'm sorry  I cannot remember the name.  Lots of little girls in tradition dressed. They were so cute.  Then we went a restaurant where we had lunch.  It was part of the tour.  There were 3 options for lunch that you got to choose from. Dh and had different things and shared.  Neither of us loved what we had.  That actually was the only meal in our entire trip that neither of us cared for.  Then we got to look around this shopping area with all different little shops.  They were so cute.  There was a large police presence but not in a threatening way at all.  Just there.  BUT no protest broke out.   WHEW!  It was time to head back to the bus.  It was a really nice fun way to kill time between flights.   When we got back to the airport we went and cleaned up and then laid down for a bit while we could lay stretched out.   Then our flight was called and it was time to go home.  We missed the kids but already missed Heir.
This trip was the trip of a lifetime and I will cherish EVERY moment of it.