One small step

 I'm pretty sure I am not ok.  But I will be. I am trying to feel what I feel as it's happening.  It's not in my best interest to try and stuff them. The oddest things, the weirdest things get me thinking.  Of things I can't change, hurts I can't stop from coming.  I'm not sure I have ever felt so alone in my life. There are days I wish I could just turn my brain off for a little while, for a break. 

At my follow up from my surgery I have been released to go live my life.  I get to go walking with a purpose and I can hike when I want.  Now to find my motivation to start.  I will.  The weather will need to get in line with that for me.  I hate walking in the rain.  I can't wait to go hiking.  Not happening in the snow though. 

I heard a song the other day that really just spoke to me.  (I know I have posted several songs lately) What is it about music that somedays reaches where nothing else is?  

God is in this story.  Big Daddy Weave, Katy Nichole

There's torn up pages in this book

Words that tell me I'm no good

Chapters that defined me for so long

But the hands of grace and endless love

Dusted off and picked me up

Told my heart that hope is never gone

God is in this story

God is in the details

Even in the broken parts

He holds my heart, He never fails

When I'm at my weakest

I will trust in Jesus

Always in the highs and lows

The One who goes before me

God is in this story

So if the storm you're walking through

Feels like it's too much and you

Wonder if He even cares at all

Well, hold on tight to what you know

He promised He won't let you go

Your song of healing's written in His scars

God is in this story

God is in the details

Even in the broken parts

He holds my heart, He never fails

When I'm at my weakest

I will trust in Jesus

Always in the highs and lows

The One who goes before me

God is in this story

If it reads like addiction

If it reads like disease

He's the One who frees the prisoner

He's the healer of all things

If it reads like depression

If it reads broken home

He's the One who holds your sorrow

He won't leave you here alone

God is in this story

God is in the details

Even in the broken parts

He holds my heart, He never fails

When I'm at my weakest

I will trust in Jesus

Always in the highs and lows

The One who goes before me

Always in the highs and lows

The One who goes before me

God is in this story (you're in this story)

God is in my story (right here in my story)

God does care about the details, my details.  He gives me grace.  I need his grace.  I am enough.  I will trust in Him.  He is still writing this story.  I don't understand it.  I am not asked to understand I guess, just to trust and follow.  Some days are easier than others. 

Peace

Noel

 

NOEL

Chris Tomlin

   Love incarnate, love divine

  Star and angels gave the sign

Bow to babe on bended knee

The Savior of humanity

Unto us a Child is born

He shall reign forevermore

Noel, Noel

Come and see what God has done

Noel, Noel

The story of amazing love!

The light of the world, given for us

Noel

Son of God and Son of man

There before the world began

Born to suffer, born to save

Born to raise us from the grave

Christ the everlasting Lord

He shall reign forevermore

Noel, Noel

Come and see what God has done

Noel, Noel

The story of amazing love!

The light of the world, given for us

Noel

Noel, Noel

Come and see what God has done

Noel, Noel

The story of amazing love!

The light of the world, given for us

Noel

Noel

My mom and I went to a Christmas Eve candle lite service with Drummer and his wife and their 2. my grands. It was a sweet time of worship.  They sang a song I hadn't heard before, or at least didn't recognize. It touched me and made me think about this season in general.  It's a very hard year for me.  I didn't want to decorate.  Nothing, it would have just been easier to do nothing, pretend it wasn't the Holiday season.  But when asked, I agreed that I wouldn't feel any better not doing anything.  So, we did some decorating.  We have a lovely tree.  It's not fully loaded but sweet, nonetheless.  There are presents for everyone and they are even wrapped before Christmas eve. There are some good spots.  My clients are very kind to me. We had some snow.  Which I love this time of year.  My mom made it with only an hour delay, In spite of cruddy weather all around the state. We have each other, we have plenty of food.  I even did some baking besides the pies.  We will make tomorrow a good day.  We really do have so much. 

Jesus was a prophecy come true.  A baby born of a virgin.  To become the King of Kings, a way maker so we can have an eternal life with our Savior. 

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas.  

Peace

The wonder

 

The sermon Sunday was The Wonder.  It really has me thinking.  

As Christians we tend to go from the Christmas story right to Easter.  The people at the time thought Jesus was going to be their King.  They thought he was going to sit on the throne and rule the nations.  That was what they thought.  They had no thought of the cross.  The work that would be done there.  We only know because we've been taught that. 

One of the things that keeps running through my mind is the song by Mark Lowry. 

Mary did you know

Mary, did you know
That your Baby Boy would one day walk on water?
Mary, did you know
That your Baby Boy would save our sons and daughters?
Did you know
That your Baby Boy has come to make you new?
This Child that you delivered will soon deliver you.

Mary, did you know
That your Baby Boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary, did you know
That your Baby Boy will calm the storm with His hand?
Did you know
That your Baby Boy has walked where angels trod?
When you kiss your little Baby you kissed the face of God?

Mary did you know. Ooo Ooo Ooo

The blind will see.
The deaf will hear.
The dead will live again.
The lame will leap.
The dumb will speak
The praises of The Lamb.

Mary, did you know
That your Baby Boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary, did you know
That your Baby Boy would one day rule the nations?
Did you know
That your Baby Boy is heaven's perfect Lamb?
The sleeping Child you're holding is the Great, I Am.

Mary knew she was a virgin mother.  But she didn't know about the cross. She knew what the Angel had told her.  She knew she had a baby that was the son of God.   Can you imagine knowing you have this baby that is going to be king of all? The worry all new mama's have.  The need to do things perfect.  To keep them safe, warm, fed, happy.  I remember those feelings, with each and every baby. The need is great in a mama's heart.  I'm glad Mary didn't know about the cross. That she couldn't see what was coming.  That she could just marvel at all the new baby things. 

I want to remind myself to stay in the present time, just today.  Easter is coming, but I want to revel in the joy of a Savior who's come to save. I want to cherish this moment, this season. The wonder of it all. 

Peace.

The follow up

                                             

Well, the cast is off, and the pin is out.  I wore 2 shoes out of the pin removal appointment. The nurse said I wouldn't be.  She gave me a post-surgery shoe.  When the doc came in, I asked if I could wear my shoe after.  She said sure, it's up to you. Challenge accepted.  It hurt like a dirty mother getting it on, but on it went.  I had to really loosen the laces to get my foot in my shoe.  The pin hurt coming out.  Doogie Houser said it wouldn't. I did ask her if she had ever had one done.  She smiled and said no.  Oh yes it did.  As soon as it was out, and she was done the pain stopped though.  It wasn't HORRIBLE but not fun either.  I don't have to have physical therapy.  My physical therapy is just walking.  Well, I walk all the time.  So, walking I am. I'm not allowed to hike yet.  Well figure that answer in January.  I did do something I don't want to repeat anytime soon though.  I was reaching for something and reflexively stood up on my tippy toes.  IMMEDIATELY gasped and sucked all the air out of the room.  Tears rushed out of my eyes.  OH man that hurt.  I thought, well at least the first one of those is out of the way.  I'm sure it will happen again.  

What is odd is that my ankle hurts/aches way more than my foot does.  It must have been the 7 weeks at a 90-degree angle.  Nobody told me about that.  

So outside of not hiking and not jogging, yet. life seems to have returned to this new normal that we have.  

So ends the saga of my foot.  Hiking here I come.  Well, as soon as the weather is better.  I'm a fair-weather kind of hiker. 

Peace

Salty Sea Air

The weekend after my sister died and before my surgery, I thought I was going to lose my mind.  I really needed to find a moment to calm my thoughts and sooth my heart.  I was going to the ocean.  I halfheartedly asked Blister if she wanted to go with me. She shocked me to the core when she said she would go with me.  I normally go to Ocean Shores.  It's close and a nice drive.  Blister asked if I had ever been to Long Beach.  I had not.  They also have a place in the area.  So, I said I was game to try somewhere else.  Salt/Ocean/Sand, I'm all in.  

My cousin asked if I wanted to take their Mustang convertible.   Uuuhh YES!  They have rules though.  If it's above 60 degrees the top has to be down. Only 2 people in the car.  The back seat is for a picnic basket and a jacket.  Blister and I were game.  I picked her up very early in the morning and we were off.  We went to the place where their trailer is parked.  It's a really nice area.  I can see why they like going there.  It's about a mile walk to the beach.  We went to an old church in Oysterville.  Super cool.  The church is divided down the middle.  We guessed it was a girls/guy thing. 

We made our way down to Long Beach.  It's supposably the longest beach in the contiguous beach in the US.  It's about 28 miles. There is a flag museum and cute little shops.  We went to the beach first.  We walked, I cried.  Blister held my hand and we just were together.  We wrote my sister's name in the sand.   As we walked the fog just kept rolling and rolling in.  At one point we couldn't even see the drive that we drove to the beach on.  We headed back.  We finally saw the flags and that was our drive.  We wondered through town.  We went into some shops.  I picked things up thinking I wanted them and then I would put them down.  I couldn't make a decision and it felt odd.  So pictures and memories are what I brought home.  

This is us. 

Since the fog was rolling in, we decided to move on south. We went looking for lighthouses. That was hilarious!  The fog was so thick we had to almost be standing next to it to see it.  There was supposed to be amazing views.  Yup, nothing but fog.  But we still had salty air!  As we were headed to Ilwaco marina for dinner, we rounded a curve and it was sunny and beautiful.  So weird!  We had a lovely dinner in a little bar there.  It was good.  Then we were meandering our way home.  It was going to be a late one no matter what.  So there was no hurry.   I can't remember where but we stopped and had ice cream for dessert.  It was yummy. 

Stunning view isn't it!

Believe it or not, there is a light house right there. 

See! It was sunny and beautiful.

We put the top up.  It was no longer close to 60 degrees and we were cold. It was a beautiful day.  I was glad for the company.  It did help.  I slept that night.  Nothing had changed when I woke up.  However, I did have a better handle on my emotions.  At least for a while.  I will go to salty sea air any time I can! 

Peace

 

Be careful what you wish for!

 Remember as a kid you wanted braces or a broken bone so you could have a cast?  Anyone?  No?  Just me? I never had braces. I was hurt a few times, gymnastics and sports and things.  I never had a cast though, until now.  At some point I had broken a bone in my foot.  I am sure it hurt, but as a wife and a mom I didn't have time to stop or pay attention.  I had a surgery scheduled.  Then my sister died.  I struggled with postponing it.  Since she was cremated and the funeral wasn't in the next few days, I decided to go ahead and have it.  There wasn't ever going to be a good time to do it.  I had it done.  It went well.  I have a pin in the toe that had the broken bone and was twisting. It looks rather gnarly on the x-ray.  I'm ready for all of it to be over though.  

My first cast!  This was after the splint and bandages from surgery came off. 

I asked her to draw a face on the ball like a Jack in the Box antenna ball.  She said NO. 

The toe with the pin is lower because the bone had to be in alignment.  It will be in the proper place when the pin is pulled out.  AND that is just how they do it.  Grab and pull.  YIKES. 

This is a cast cover for the shower.  Isn't it just super cool?  Please detect the small note of sarcasm there. 

And here it is making sure no water gets into the cast.  It's slippery though so kind of a two-edged sword. 

This is how it looks now.  

The first week was a bit rough.  I do not do well with drugs.  I either am puking or sleeping.  I did a lot of sleeping.  The second week I worried, a LOT.  We were working on my sister's memorial.  Money is a constant worry.  The holidays are coming.  I kept thinking I should just be working and not have done this.  I had trouble getting out of my own head.   Once my sister's memorial was settled, I felt a bit better. I had a better handle on my emotions and thoughts.   I have 2 different helpers for work.  I really did need to go back.  

I am allowed to put my heel down and bear weight on it.  It makes me walk very odd because I can't roll my foot or use my ankle. Think of a pirate and a peg leg.  My hips and lower back are not loving me right now. Most of the time I use crutches or a knee scooter.  It should be coming off soon.  I hope.  I cannot wait to get back out hiking to sooth my soul and calm my mind.  And hopefully no pain at the end of the hike.  

On we go.  One gimpy limp at a time. 

Peace

Then there was 4

 

This picture represents what was in 2017.  There was already 2 of us missing.  In the past 13 months 2 more have died.  It just is so surreal.  It doesn't feel real.  Not even a bad dream you can't wake up, just not real.  My heart hurts beyond explanation.  It hurts for my mom, my sister's partner.  Us siblings.  Her children and grandchildren.  So many nieces and nephews and countless friends.  Somehow, we will figure out how to navigate this all with so much hurt and pain. 

Williams, Christyn June

Christyn June Williams was born in Omak, WA. January 17, 1972. She died unexpectedly on October 3, 2022 at her home in Des Moines, WA. Chrissy graduated from Rogers High School. She was also a member of the Colville Confederated Tribe of Indians.

Chrissy is proceeded in death by her Daddy, Robert Williams, sister Coreen Williams and brother Scott Williams. She is survived by her loving partner of 20 years, Wendy Dodge, her daughters Nicolette Draine of Spokane WA, Jadeyn Draine of Spokane Valley WA, and son Skyelor Draine of Des Moines WA. Her Mother Lea Williams of Medical Lake WA, brothers Steve ( Debbie) Williams of Spokane Valley WA, and Tom Williams of Medical Lake WA, sister Nicolette (Carmen) Edgerton of Everett WA. 4 precious granddaughters Aubrey, Kenya, Karlita and Charlotte. Many cousins, nieces, nephews and friends. Those grand girls were the joy and love of her life.

A memorial service for Chrissy will be November 5, 2022 beginning at 1:00pm at Turning Point Church 11911 N Division St. Spokane WA 99218 in the Gathering Place. Drinks and cookies to follow.

In lieu of flowers, donations may be made in Chrissy's name to the Seattle Children's Hospital at www.seattlechildrens.org

FOREVER MISSED, NEVER FORGOTTEN

When I was a little girl, I remember wanting to be a big sister so badly! If I had a baby sister, it would be even better! When I was 6, I finally got my dream. However, that little sister didn’t get to stay. We as a family were heartbroken as you can imagine but my dream didn’t change. I WANTED a sister and to BE a big sister. In 1972 my biggest dream and prayer came true. I got to be a big sister to a sister AND she got to stay! She was amazing! I had my own living doll to play with! To play dress up with, change her clothes and drag her around with me. We even tried to share a room at one point, that was a big NO. That adventure didn’t last long.  

Chrissy loved unabashedly and with every fiber of her being. There was no guess work with how she was feeling. She wore her emotions on her sleeve, all of them, anger, tears and laughter. Oh, and she did have an amazing laugh. She was fearless as a teenager. Chrissy had a lovely voice, one time she sang the National Anthem to start a horse show. As she got older, she loved Karaoke. She even got me to try it.   She had such an amazing sense of style. She would put things together that you would go hmmmm while looking at the pile of eclectic stuff. When she had put her vision together, it was amazing.  One time Chrissy did my make-up and eyelashes for a performance I was in. That didn't last long either.  She was such a girly girl.  

Chrissy and I shared a love of movies.  For her they had to have happy endings.   I'm not sure she ever forgave me Green Card, or ever got over it.  It still makes me laugh.

When I started having children, she began watching her nephews. She was an AMAZING Auntie and I trusted my boys with her. Then I got to watch Chrissy became a mom and her children were the light of her life. She was so very proud of them. As the years went by, I also got to watch her become a grandmother. THOSE girls were everything to her. She enjoyed EVERY moment of being a grandma.  

I have 50 years of memories that I will cherish ever day! Chrissy will be missed so very much by so very many. I love you Sister and I love being your sister.

Your Big Sister,

Nikki